Understanding
by ktho98
Summary: Snape and Harry hate each other since the very beginning. But what if Snape unintentionally finds out about Harry's past and understands that he's just a broken boy who suffered terribly over the last years and not the spoiled boy he thought he was


" Your father was a swine"  
Snape took the boys jacket in a strong grip and pushed him away from him, through half the room until he crashed into the single chair in front of the blurry window. He just realized how harsh his movement was when he saw the chair tilting back unless Potter hadn't stabilized himself.  
The boy bowed his head and took a deep breath. The sound flowed through the room and stayed in Severus ears, when he saw the boy lifting his head. Years and years of practice made him able to sense the next movement of Potter before he knew it himself. Since he worked as a spy for the Dark Lord for quite some time, his perception was perfect and he got himself into trouble nearly everyday. Either he visits the Dark Lord for meeting or even when he stays one day longer in Hogwarts, pretending to be against every soul in the whole castle. Every day with the Dark Lord was an experience that strengthened his soul and his mind and now he was able to block the Dark Lord's attempts to enter his mind. He was able to foresee what a person would do next and exactly this ability helped him now to sense what the boy was doing next.

In an attempt at defending himself, Harry took his wand and raised it towards his potions teacher, the spell right on his lips. He wasn't prepared for dexterity, although he knew what the man was capable of and even though he hated his teacher, he would call him one of the best wizards he knew. But he wouldn't admit that in public.  
At that moment, his mind was clouded with anger and he wasn't able to think before he remembered his wand in his hand. He raised his head in the same second and froze in shock when he saw the black wand in Snape's hand as well and he knew it was over. He couldn't win against his potions teacher.  
As fast as he had raised his hand, as fast had Snape recited the spell.  
"Legilimens" and the room turned black. He felt his body tilt when Snape entered his mind.  
Images appeared in his mind. Clouded images of his mom and his dad, whom he knew very little of and this was the reason why these images only lasted for some seconds. Those lovely, little memories were followed by uncomfortable ones in Little Whinging. Aunt Petunia who was complaining about the breakfast which he burned unintentionally when he was just eight years old. His cousin Dudley who pushed him down the stairs and no one was helping him, so he was crying on the bottom of the stairs and crawling to his little room under the staircase, where he continued crying until he had fallen asleep. In the next memory he could see a meal in the dining room on a huge table, an heirloom of uncle Vernon's grandfather. Aunt Marge had visited them for a whole week and every time she blamed him for just breathing, he got angrier until it came to the little accident two years ago before his third year at Hogwarts. He saw himself in the small room under the stairs with an old, torn and oversized t-shirt from his cousin, a broken and roughly repaired glasses, shadows under his eyes, tears on his cheeks, hungry and frightened. His heart clenched when he remembered the situation. His relatives always called him a "freak" and made him realize that he would never be a real part of the family.  
Harry felt tears streaming down his cheeks until Snape vanished from his mind. He wasn't able to say anything when he was again able to see his surroundings. He tightened his grip around the armrest of the chair so he wouldn't faint. He felt dizzy and he could imagine that he was pretty pale right now. He barely recognized his potions teacher right in front of him, who looked just as pale as himself.  
Severus couldn't believe what he just saw minutes ago. He always thought that Harry had been raised like a little prince and had been spoiled by his relatives. But when he remembered Petunia as a child, he couldn't believe that he thought she would care for the boy. She neither cared for her sister nor for her sisters husband. That was the moment when he felt guilt and compassion for the small boy. He felt guilty for his behavior during the last years when he punished the boy with detention or only with his words or coldness during his lessons.  
Harry shook his head lightly. He needed to get out into his dormitory in the gryffindor tower. He couldn't imagine what his teacher was thinking of him now. How much must he hate him for simply existing and now he must be satisfied with the images he just saw in Harry's mind. Maybe he would congratulate them if he would ever met them, although this was very unlikely, moreover impossible. Tears were streaming down his face and in an attempt to hide them, he lifted one hand to his face and rushed to the door. He only made it through half the room until he felt a sharp grip around his upper arm and he started struggling, subconsciously fighting Professor Snape' attempts at holding him back. All Harry wanted, was to be alone in his room, crying. Professor Snape would only complain about his foulness and his weakness. He didn't want to hear it. He already knew that he was a broken boy.  
Severus' heart clenched when he saw Harry fighting in his grip to escape but Snape tightened his grip even when he tried not to hurt him at the same time.

The boy opened his eyes and looked at him. Severus didn't know what to say when sad, tear-filled eyes looked up at him. He knew that Harry was scared and waited for him to yell or maybe slap him or something similar. Professor Snape always was a harsh teacher, cold and distant but he would never harm a student.  
There was something else in Harry's eyes and Severus could see it the second it appeared. Harry wanted to be alone but that wasn't what he needed. He didn't need to use legilimens to feel that the boy only needed someone to comfort him, to hold him and care for him. Severus could say that he cared for the boy, their relationship was still suffering from the past but he understood, why Harry was like he was. He understood and he compared it to his own younger self who was hated by his own father. He only wanted someone who understood and maybe who would hold him during those hard times when his father didn't cared for him.  
Hesitantly, Severus reached out to gently touch the boys cheek, waiting for Harry to shy away from him. The boy's green eyes were observing him mindfully but he didn't moved. He was just waiting for Severus to do something.  
Maybe he was to exhausted to continue to struggle and to fight Snape who was much stronger than himself, but it may also be the look in Severus' eyes, who reassured Harry in a confusing way. This trustworthy look affected Harry and calmed his heartbeat, which caused the boy to just stare at Severus' moving hand. Severus gathered all his courage, gently laid his hand on his neck and slowly pulled Harry towards him. Harry hesitantly took the few steps towards his potions teacher, not taking his eyes off him. Severus' perception didn't disappoint him, as he saw the change in Harry's eyes, from bewilderedness to longing. Longing for closeness. Faster than Severus could have ever expected, the boy threw his arms around his torso. Overwhelmed but relieved, the so called 'dungeon bat' wrapped his arms around the small body of the gryffindor boy. He ignored the fact that he felt anything but bones under his fingers, hidden under the thickness of Harry's shirt and jacket, but Severus could feel it anyway. Harry was underweight and in a bad condition, but the average person wouldn't notice without a hint.

If he would have seen it through Harry's memories, he wouldn't have noticed either. The body in his arms started shivering and Severus tightened his grip, the palm of his right hand rubbed small circles on the boys back while the other hand moved into the boys hair, softly pressing his head against his shoulders. Harry sensed soft fingertips massaging his head and he couldn't hold back anymore, so he burst into tears. He clenched his fists into the black roles, as if his life depended on it. But Severus wouldn't blame him for this unintentional movements. He knew that mental helplessness felt like losing control and Harry never experienced the comfort of someone caring. This moment must be overwhelming but Severus wouldn't dare to send him away into the dormitory and let him alone with his feelings, even when his friends would be there to care for him.  
"I miss them so much", Harry sobbed into his robes. Severus wouldn't answer, he didn't have to. Harry wouldn't expect an answer because he just wanted someone to tell his feelings and Severus accepted it. He understood. He knew Lily and loving nature; the extreme counterpart to her sister Petunia. He should have known what would happen to the boy when he stayed with his relatives, but he never thought about it. To his concern, it was obvious that the headmaster knew about how Harry's relatives abused the boy yet he never told anybody about it and he never proceeded against it. Severus closed his eyes as he imagined how badly the boy had been treated. Certainly, they were locking him in his room as Petunia did to her sister occasionally. The underweight must be the side effects of starving. Severus was convinced that they had never given Harry as much food as their own son. As Severus thought about all these facts, he was disappointed in himself. He should have sensed it earlier, but instead of perceiving all the obvious warning signs– well obvious for his circumstances and experiences, cause he was raised similarly- he never turned his attention towards the boy. It was his hatred towards James, which made him blind. He pushed his concern for Lily's son and his promise to himself, that he would protect the boy, aside when he first saw the boy and realized that he looked so much like his father and all he had from his beautiful mother were her eyes. He merely concentrated on his appearance and not on his character, which had the effect that he ignored the boy and insulted him badly. Not physically but mentally, however this was no excuse for his behavior. Dumbledore hadn't helped the boy either, even if the boy obviously needed someone's help and the worst of all, he knew about how the boy had been treated. It is Dumbledore and Dumbledore always knew everything about everyone. He only used the boy for his own purposes which were focusing on the defense of the light side and the fight against the dark one. He had never considered Harry's feelings about it. Anyway, Severus couldn't blame the old man without blaming himself too, but he could now take the responsibility of the boy and his destiny and try to help him. He would try to turn Harry's grief and agony into the cheerful smile, Harry had always wearing on his face years before.

Severus was torn from his thoughts when Harry started moving in his strong embrace. He loosened his grip and waited for the boy to look up but when Harry hesitated, he grabbed the boy's chin and forced him to meet his eyes.

"It's all right to cry, Harry", Severus whispered with an usual calmly undertone in his voice. Harry seemed astonished as well, cause his left eyebrow raised barely noticeable. It looked quite hilarious, like a mixture of honesty and a complete outburst of tears. Nevertheless, Severus was a respectable man and he didn't intend to change the atmosphere, cause Harry would try again to shield himself from the others again and pretend that he was okay. But Severus wouldn't be Severus if he would let him do so.

"Crying doesn't mean that you are weak, do you understand? Nobody can imagine what you have been through and it is remarkable that your emotional breakdown lasted almost sixteen years."

Harry lowered his head to face the stone floor of the dungeon again. "I don't know what came over me. It won't happen again."

The potions master sighed annoyedly. He was indeed a short-tempered character and Harry wasn't helping at all. He therefore took a deep breath and counted till ten until he calmed his mind. "Did I mention that I'm annoyed of you're little incident?"

Harry met his eyes again and shook his head slowly. "I'm sorry, Sir."

"Stop apologizing, Potter", Severus called out, no longer able to hold himself back. Then he continued with a softer voice: "Don't feel guilty for any of your feelings, allright? They are understandable."

"Why would you care? You hate me!"  
Severus shook his head lightly. "I don't hate you. I was your mother's friend once. When we were your age."  
"And that's it", called Harry, still sobbing. "You only care because you knew my mother. Everyone just cares about me because I'm mother's and father's son. Every person I met greets my either with 'you look exactly like your father' or 'you have your mother's eyes'. You even hate me for it. Don't understand me wrong, I'm proud if someone tells me that, but it doesn't change the fact that I haven't known my parents. I haven't even met them in my life and I can't remember my first year as a baby before voldemort killed them. That's the other thing those persons, who don't like because of my parents, they like me because I'm the boy who lives… "  
" What's with your friends? Weasley and Granger? "  
Harry took a deep breath." I don't now. I admit that they may like me because I'm who I am, but they don't understand. Every time I attempt to explain why I'm upset or depressed, they will nod in comprehension and that's it. They can't understand what I had to go through and they never will. "  
" that's right, Harry", Severus murmured after some seconds of quietness. "nobody can understand you. None of your friends, but I can. I must confess that it's true that I didn't like you because you look like your father but I never hated you. I can not explain why I'm behaving as I do, but it is not because of you character. I know that I need to overcome my hatred for your father, but I promise you that I'll always understand. I can try to change. I can try to listen to you and you could try to speak about your inner struggles. I would never blame you for them and I will never tell anyone… "  
He hardly sensed that Harry was encircling his arms more around him to hold him tighter and the sobbing started again, more silent this time." life isn't fair, Harry. "  
" I know", Harry cried. "I'm just so overwhelmed. Some minutes ago, you yelled at me because of my father and you couldn't barely handle being my teacher and now you are offering me to listen to my problems. I never knew a person that offered this genuinely."  
"my suggestion is of an honest nature. We could start now if you want but after that we should continue practicing occlumensy."  
Harry lifted his head to look at his teacher. "you really wanna try again?"  
Severus looked deep into those green eyes, he knew for years before. "it is hard for me but I need to apologize for my misbehavior. I shouldn't have treated you like a stubborn child and neither should I have insulted you for behaving like your father. I should have been more patient with you and should have given you more instructions on how to block my magic and to close your mind."  
"I'm sorry too, Sir", whispered Harry, feeling odd because of the awkwardness of the situation. " I've provoked you and that wasn't fair either."  
Severus gave him a soft smile which caused Harry to smile back. "you're really okay with talking?"  
Harry nodded and waited for his professor to do the first step, who wrapped one arm around his waist and dragged him into his living room.


End file.
